I have been processing these words all day. I struggled with whether or not I should share them publicly. I don't write, sing or talk for attention. I do it to share hope. I believe that nothing is wasted. Everyone needs hope but everyone can relate to pain. So I share these words in hopes that they will be an encouragement to somebody.
This morning I went to the doctor to follow up on the results from my fertility testing.
Since I was a child I have dreamt of having a family of my own. I wanted to be a husband and a father. For 13 1/2 years I was a husband, but we were never able to conceive. That relationship ended but the desire of my heart to have a family didn't. God has done an incredible healing work in my life since then. I have continued to trust God for my future.
I have never been tested for fertility. There are several reasons for that decision, but it's something that I have not been able to stop thinking about over the last year. As soon as I stepped into my new season as a missionary and my insurance was active, I made the appointment.
That first appointment revealed sickness in my body that I was not even aware of. We didn't even get to do the fertility testing. Then over the course of a few weeks God did a miracle in my body. You can hear and read about that crazy journey in these two posts HERE and HERE.
After all of that, a follow up for fertility testing was scheduled. I had some anxiety going into this appointment because I am a lot more sensitive to a simple conversation flipping my life upside down these days since I have had a few of those in the last few years. But I surrendered that anxiety into God's hands and walked into see my doctor this morning in faith believing for a good report.
I didn't hear what I wanted to hear.
Our conversation was pretty complex but the simple version of the report that I received from my doctor was extremely sobering. He said that my ability to help produce a child is not a complete impossibility, but extremely unlikely. He did however acknowledge what already happened when God removed the sickness from my body previously.
In his words, "You are the luckiest guy I know, but I know you believe it was divine intervention. Either way, I have to tell you the truth and I am 99% sure that this is not going to happen for you and I'm so sorry. We can keep running tests and trying other things along the way, but that decision is up to you. I wish these numbers on this report were different." Me too, Doc, but my faith is not in my circumstances.
Somehow I held back from completely losing my crap until I got to my car.
I still trust the Lord. God has done and is doing incredible things in my life. I know God is able. I have heard and seen hundreds of miracle stories over the years. Most conversations about infertility start and end with the woman in the relationship. There is another side even though men don't talk about it much.
I can't tell you how many prayers and tears have been invested over the years surrounding this topic, but God knows. Today I made a decision. Today I decided to let go of something that I can't control. No more fertility tests. No more waiting for a different report from the doctor. No more prodding or poking and trying to write this dream into reality.
My hope for my future family is not lost. In fact, it has never been more tangible. But the pain and loss attached to my lack of ability to produce a child is too heavy for me to carry any longer. That's why I have surrendered it into the hands of Jesus. God is faithful regardless of our circumstances. I believe in the Jesus that I preach about, sing about and write about. He knows my heart and regardless of His response, I have decided to trust Him. He has done too much in my life for me to not trust Him now.
Infertility and Jesus. I'm thankful that our value is not found in what we produce.
If you are dealing with disappointment or pain because of loss, infertility, (fill in the blank)... you are not alone. I pray that the same God that met me and spoke peace into my heart today would meet you where you are. Keep breathing.