There were many nights in the last 15 months where I questioned if I had the ability to push through the pain. Unfortunately there are times when loss shows up at your door and you don't get a chance to return to sender. It is still extremely sobering to think about how quickly life can change.
I vividly remember every time that my circumstances weighed more than my lungs could handle and the anxiety attacks took my breath away. But then Jesus stepped in and in a way that only He could, He filled my lungs back up and slowly my heart rate would go back to a normal cadence.
I remember asking God where to go when I felt so lost. He took me to 2 Samuel 12:20 where David went through a loss and his next step was to go to the house of the Lord and worship. So that's what I did.
For the last 9 months, this house of the Lord has been my place of refuge. This place where I have preached my heart out week after week has also been my place to process. And every night as I attempted to find rest that seemed fleeting, these four letters were lit up.
I prayed for an exit from the situation, but that's not how life works. And every night these red letters were a cup of reality, steeped in questions.
Tonight the color in the letters seems more vibrant. I know the bulbs have not been changed. Maybe tears of gratitude are a different filter than tears of pain. I don't know. Maybe they are clearer because my perspective has changed.
I never would have chosen this path that led to God's house becoming my home for a season, but tonight I don't see a season that I have to fight through forever. I see a new season for me and my church family. Because we can't embrace tomorrow without exiting yesterday.
And for this amazing church that have become my family, your best days are ahead. And for the girl that helped me dream about, pray for, work through and plant this life-giving church, her best days are ahead. And for the broken man that God continues to fill back up on the other side of these words, he believes that his best days are ahead. Nothing is wasted.
Jesus. Thank you. Exhale.
(Post from July 17th, 2017)